Pretend
by LilyIsAwesomerThanYou
Summary: "I don't know who I am without you here, but I know who I pretend to be. And I think I could pretend to be happy for you." Losing him was like losing a part of herself.


**For Emmasexual's "What We Pretend to Be" Challenge.**

**Prompt: "We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be." -Kurt Vonnegut**

**Words: 1,106**

**I don't usually do this pairing, but I actually really enjoyed the challenge. :)**

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_~December 25, 1994~_

_ You took me to the Yule Ball tonight. I would never tell this to your face, but it's the best date I've ever been on (even if you asked me across the table). You may be a prankster, but you're not a bad man. And to tell you the truth, I don't regret the fact that you kissed me. I do regret that Snape caught us, though. Greasy bastard._

_~April 1, 1995~_

_ Happy 17__th__ birthday! You're of age now, so I won't even begin to imagine all the trouble you'll get into back at home. Just don't get yourself expelled. Or worse._

_~November 14, 1995~_

_ No Quidditch. No. Bloody. Quidditch. And you didn't even do anything! I can't believe that woman, banning you for no reason! If Harry and your blasted brother hadn't gone after Malfoy, at least we'd have a chance at the Cup this year. Then again, with the way Umbitch is out for Harry this year, I'm just happy we still have a team. I had to beg McGonagall to even let us play. Oh well. It's a good thing I love you. But I'm going to bed now. I'm still hoping it's all just been a bad dream._

_~March 20, 1996~_

_ That bloody woman. If she comes near you again, I swear I'll kill her. A Blood Quill? Within this school? I have half a mind to tell McGonagall. Merlin, help me, if she hurts you again… I'm just so glad you're okay. I love you so much. How dare she hurt you. It's pointless to tell you to stay out of detention, so please stay safe._

_~April 3, 1996~_

_ All those fireworks? I know that was you. Merlin, I love you. Please just don't get yourself expelled. I don't know if I can finish this year without you._

_~April 16, 1996~_

_ I'm not sure whether I want to slap you across the face for your stupidity or kiss you for your courage. I was so scared for you, but I should have known that you would have it all under control. Although I can't believe you just left me here with that woman. And you've opened a joke shop? What the hell? What is with all this secrecy? I guess I'll have to pay you a visit sometime._

_ I'm so proud of you, Fred. I hope you never find this, but if you asked me to marry you, I would._

_~June 12, 1996~_

_ Ha! Graduated! I've finally done something you never will! Expect me by Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes very soon, you brilliant man._

_ P.S. – Do you think you could get me a job?_

_ P.P.S. – I'm just kidding, you fool._

_~April 1, 1998~_

_ Happy 20__th__ birthday! I'll have to get you some Muggle alcohol next year, because you'll be legal to drink in the Muggle world then._

_ This war is scaring me, baby. Please stay safe. I know I've been so supportive about the joke shop and all, but some of those signs you put up really scare me. I just don't think I could handle life without you here. Please be careful. I love you more than I ever thought possible._

_~May 2, 1998~_

_ You're gone. I don't even know what to say, much less what to do. You're gone. Where have you gone to? Surely Heaven, because if anyone ever deserved it, you do. And besides, you'd annoy the hell out of the Devil down in Hell, wouldn't you?_

_ I can't even begin to fathom the fact that you're gone. I'll never see your face again. I'll never see your blue eyes, your flaming red hair. I'll never see that cheeky grin that I always thought was so cute. I'll never be able to hold your hand again or kiss your lips._

_ I feel like I've lost a piece of myself. How can I live without you?_

_~November 2, 1998~_

_ Six months. It's been six months since I've picked up this journal. It's been six months since I lost you._

_ I'm twenty-one now, the age you'll never reach. What good is it to be a year older if it's a year I'll never spend with you? The only thing that comes from this is I can now drink myself to death in a bloody hotel room if I so wished. Not that that doesn't sound appealing._

_ How did you ever expect me to manage without you here? I can't live – I can't breathe without you near me. Life has no meaning. I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought of suicide. I've sat in my living room – even the dining room, sometimes – for hours, staring at that poison, staring at that gun. But in the end, would it really be worth it?_

_ I'm going out to dinner with your brother tonight. We do every month. He misses you just as much as I do, Fred. It's like he's lost his other half. He's so lost._

_ Can you see what a hopeless world it is without you here?_

_~July 27, 2000~_

_ I married your brother today. We both need someone to hold us together with you gone. He'll never replace you in my heart, and I'll never replace you in his. I think we both understand that._

_ It's been mutually agreed that we'll name our son (when we have one) Fred, so at least you can look forward to that._

_ Merlin, I miss you. I cried today; I hope no one saw. Back then I swore I was going to marry you someday, and now that'll never happen. I'll never forget you, Fred. I can't go a day without thinking about how life should have been with you. We should have grown old together. We should have had our own kids, and laughed as our hair turned grey with each passing year as we watched them grow up. I should have been there to support you through every new invention, every new product at the joke shop. George still runs that, you know. I think he feels that closing it down would be too final. I personally agree._

_ I love you, Fred, so much, but now I have to be there for George as well._

_ I was reading this book the other night, and this quote stuck out to me: "We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be."_

_ I don't know who I am without you here, but I know who I pretend to be. And I think I could pretend to be happy for you, Fred. Forever and only for you._

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**Eh. I liked it. :)**


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